Monday was my coworker, Ralph’s, 25th birthday. His wife, Terra, had asked me if I could do her a favor and write him a birthday letter with some information regarding what he should know about being 25 or anything he should be ready for when his birthday arrives. It amazes me that anybody would ask for my advice regarding anything considering how I often feel like I am the one that needs constant advice regarding life. Considering how I felt like I had nothing to offer him in terms of age advice, I attempted to write him a lighthearted and humorous letter that he would enjoy while mentioning any snippet of knowledge I could possibly possess.
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January 2010
Dear Ralph,
It was proposed to me, by Terra, that I write you a letter with the purpose of providing advice on how to be 25 years old or anything that you should know about being 25 years old. I accepted the proposal but was uncertain of what to write considering how I have only been 25 years old for about 10 months and have, so far, learned nothing of substantial value about life. At least, that is what my parents told me at dinnertime last night.
You already achieved more than me in life the moment you were born and looked in the mirror to see a handsome fellow staring back at you. You are self-reliant, you do not live with your parents, you are married to a woman who is not mentally unstable, you are Mexican, and now you are soon to be a proud father of a human female, Ralphina. My achievements in life pale in comparison to you. Therefore, it is actually illogical for me to be providing you with any advice. In fact, I should be taking notes on how you live your life so as to improve my own! Unfortunately, that would not be what Terra asked of me and would defeat the purpose of this letter. Because I value the fact that I am alive and do not wish to be beheaded by Terra for ruining her birthday project for you, I will now attempt to provide advice and identify what I believe you should know about being 25 years old on planet earth.
When you are 25 years old, it is the only age where you are able to divide your age number by 5 and get 5 as your solution. Of course, that is not the only benefit of being 25.
When you are 25 years old, you are still considered very young in society. Dogs do not receive the same benefit. By 25 years of age, your dog, Lucky, will most likely be a walking skeleton of disease. I have learned that being 25 as a human allows this awesome perk that dogs do not share.
When you are 25 years old, your life has virtually just started. You have only been legal for about 2,555 days. You are guaranteed at least 50 more years of healthy life thanks to the wonders of modern medicine. That, and the fact that you have a dog which extends the human lifespan by several more years according to a recent study that I am unable to cite. For a very long time, I asked my parents if I could have a dog at home so as to extend my lifespan by more years. My parents told me that is the exact reason why they would not want to get a dog for me. In addition, my father told me that he does not believe dogs should live in the same dwelling as humans because they are sons of bitches.
Unfortunately, 25 is really just a number. At least, that is what I keep telling myself every time a new girl chooses to converse with me and I find out that she is under the age of 21. It does not guarantee success or maturity in people. My ex-girlfriend is in college but harbors the maturity level equal to that of a 2nd grader. Just because you are perfect does not mean everyone else also shares in your conqueror status. Kanye West is older than 25 years old. He may make a lot of money at his age, but his mental capacity is probably only a little better than a salamander. He would never survive as a 4th grader in your E.C. class at Challenger School.
Sitting back in my chair at home, I failed to come to any realization that I have learned anything brand new regarding the age of 25. Turning to my father, I mentioned this birthday letter project to him and he laughed at me. His suggestion was to tell you that by 25 years of age, you know you have at least 25 more years to figure out what you are doing. I felt great relief when I heard those words because it meant I did not have to rush in deciding if I should wear my khaki pants or black pants to work on Mondays. I could get dressed in the dark knowing that I still have 25 years left to finally make my decision.
Since I have botched this apparent attempt at providing you with any substance or value, I will instead tell you that it was nice knowing you because while you are reading this letter, Terra will have most likely already disposed of my charred remains. When I reincarnate as a dog, please find me at the humane society.
Imaletyoufinish but, Mr. Ralph had the best 25th birthday of all time.
With valiant support of your values and determination for conquering life, I wish you a very happy birthday!
Landis
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The following day, he told me that he got quite a kick out of my letter while he read it out loud with his wife. They were laughing a lot and he said he really enjoyed it. I was thrilled that despite being unable to provide any sound advice for him, I was at least able to provide laughter and happiness on his birthday. Mission accomplished.
